Aging Gracefully


Audi made this request:

I’d love to see you do a piece about embracing our bodies and faces as we age. It bums me out to see so many attractive women succumbing to the pressure to look “younger” through cosmetic surgery and Botox and all that. You’ve written a lot about loving your body the way it is now, rather than the way you imagine it will be in the future — how about the other tack; loving your body now and not the way it used to be when you were younger?

I love my body now, at 38-almost-39, more wholly and truly than I did when I was younger. I seem to become more comfortable and more confident as I age, not less. And I know that to be true for many women.

But I also feel myself becoming more attuned to negative messages about aging: Fine lines, dull skin, loss of muscle tone, gray hair, all these trappings of a mature body that society has deemed shameful pop up on my radar now more than ever. Some of these traits are starting to show up in my own body and some are yet to arrive, but the messages about their insidiousness are penetrating my consciousness now when they used to just bounce away like so much noise.

Just as the diet industry exists to make us feel like we’ll never be thin enough, just as the cosmetics industry exists to make us feel like we’ll never be pretty enough, anti-aging products exist to make us feel like we must, must, MUST remain young-looking forever. And while we can choose to change our body masses through food and fitness, choose to highlight certain aspects of our faces with makeup, we can’t truly control how the passage of time will affect our physical forms. Botox and facelifts, anti-aging creams and treatments, these things encourage us to pretend to be other women, younger women, women we simply are not. Encouraging women to take actions that will “turn back the clock” encourages them to feel dissatisfied and uncomfortable in their bodies, encourages them to postpone contemplation of age and aging, encourages them to feel bitter and envious when they encounter young or younger-looking women.

That said, I can’t completely disregard all anti-aging measures, just as I can’t completely disregard all weight loss programs or cosmetics. I would never say that all women who go on Weight Watchers are betraying themselves or all women who wear mascara are sell-outs, and I’d never say that all women who dye their gray hairs are cowards. It’s about choice. Each woman must choose how she presents herself to the world, physically, emotionally, stylistically, wholly. The important and often-overlooked step in making decisions about changing your body is asking WHY: Why do you want to dye your hair? Why do you want to spend $150 on a pot of eye cream? Why do you want to appear younger? You may find that the answers have more to do with your peers, your family, relentless advertisements for anti-aging products, or messages from movies and TV than your own inner musings. Consider carefully before taking action, and ask these questions of yourself:

  • WHO gets to decide what my body should look like as it ages? WHO has given me helpful or harmful feedback about aging? WHO do I consider to be an older body image role model?
  • WHAT bothers me about my aging body? WHAT can I do to make peace with it? WHAT aspects of my physical self will always make me feel proud, no matter my age or their conformation?
  • WHERE do I feel safest talking about aging? WHERE can I find images of or information about the aging process as it pertains to women? WHERE do I turn when I have questions or concerns?
  • WHEN did I become aware that my body was showing signs of age? WHEN do the positives of anti-aging products or procedures outweigh the negatives? WHEN will I feel comfortable allowing my body to be an older body?
  • HOW can I find balance between societal notions of aging and my own beliefs? HOW do I want to describe my beautiful self now that I can feel my body changing? HOW do I want to see myself and feel about myself 10, 15, and 20 years from now?
  • WHY is looking younger important to me, and to others, and do those reasons differ? WHY are younger-looking women valued more by our society, and is that relevant to me?

Our bodies are in a constant state of flux, no matter our ages. Some changes are easier to track than others, and the changes that begin to appear after a certain chronological age may seem more pronounced and alarming. But that’s because of the constant stream of alarmist messages that’s piped into our collective consciousness.

It’s also because women who struggle with body image generally begin their struggles early on. We look back at photographs of ourselves at age 16, 17, 18 and remember HATING our lovely, developing bodies. We look back and wish we’d appreciated what we’d had when we were younger. But the hard fact is this: Until someone builds a time machine, we can’t go back and shake our teenage selves out of that self-loathing. Until someone discovers the fountain of youth, we will never again look like we did as young women. So we must leave the past, and embrace the present. Loving your body is about loving it NOW, as it is today. Your today-body is just as beautiful as your yesterday-body, just in different ways and for different reasons. Identify those ways and reasons, and you can move yourself toward aging gracefully.

Image courtesy Peter Dahlgren

This is a refreshed and revived post from the archive.

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6 Responses to “Aging Gracefully”

  1. Linda B

    Hmm, no one checked back I guess to make comments! I, on the other hand, just had a chance to read this post so I am grabbng the opportunity to say something now.

    Sally, I am 20 years older than you! But I have to say that for the most part, it is really in the latter part of my life that I have developed fuller body confidence. First, when I was about your age, I started getting more physically active–and found I loved getting out and cycling or running, not for anything more than it just felt good to work my body hard, and to do it out in nature. I started trusting that my body could be strong–a new experience for me!

    Then, another ten years later, I was bothered that as I was about to turn 50, a fair amount of weight had crept on to my small frame over the years, even though I was pretty active. Part of dissatisfaction was vanity, but more I just didn’t feel good when I was literally carrying around 30 pounds of extra weight–that’s enough to feel how it slows you down. I missed my younger, lighter self. I joined Weight Watchers, lost the weight, and have mostly kept it off. I feel like me–and I just love that. (BTW, at my current weight I am happy even though it is more than when I was a young adult. Fine. I am not that girl anymore! Thank goodness.)

    Some time in my late forties II fell in love with developing my own sense of quirky style. That was another great step in healthy self-love. I can’t believe I spent so many years of my life just throwing on basic stuff without trying anything fun. I learned about what feels good on me–and that even though I enjoy looking at Fashion, I don’t live and die by what is popular. It’s about what I like, what feels right to me. Although at the moment I am struggling to re-invent my style–get it to a new place, because I sense new qualities within myself that want different expression. I am ready to be a little more grounded, introduce the masculine and badass elements. . .

    Sometimes I look in the mirror and I don’t recognize my wrinkles, or the sagging skin on my neck. When did all those age spots develop on my hands. Who is that? Oh right, me. And it’s fine. I’ve earned those laugh lines, and the worry lines too. I use a wee bit of make up, but not much. Again, it is for lively fun. Not to cover up the obvious. Color is interesting.

    My hair is barely grey, but I look forward to that progressing. No color for me. (I used to do lots of highlights when I was younger though!)

    Those are my choices, my experience. I honor that we are all different. In fact, I love that we are all different. And I love that we have real friends and on-line communities to support us in our personal choices. Thanks, Sally, for all you do to create that space with your blog!