By Lily, Already Pretty contributor
Congratulations! You are nearing the end of this hike, the journey to being brave in the bedroom! Thus far, we have covered ground on your self – the foundation of this ultimate goal; daring to be you; and sharing it with a partner. Finally, we will cover ground on how to truly thrive in your body and sexuality with your partners.
In the beginning things tend to be hot, hot, hot! The passion and lust is thick, a blazing fire. As time goes on, the fire begins to cool and things can become comfortable and monotonous. That is OK, it happens to everyone. However, for many, this isn’t ideal. They want to keep things hot, adventurous, and exciting. This is where creating novelty is key. Switch things up – when we get creative and move away from predictability, we ignite excitement and adventure. Not sure how? I’ve got some ideas, but don’t just stop here – add a large dose of imagination and you’ll be well on your way.
There is safety and endless fun to be had in fantasy – it doesn’t have to become a reality unless you want it to. Fantasy is a fantastic way to get your engines revving and juices flowing. It can be experienced through using your imagination to visualize and bring yourself into the erotic experiences you crave without having to actually do them. You can do it solo or invite your partner into it.
Tips: sharing fantasies can be incredibly vulnerable. Before sharing, it is helpful to create a safe container to share without judgment or shame. You can also ask if you can share by saying, “I have a fantasy, may I share it with you?” Also, f you find you are bothered or shocked by your partner’s fantasy, remind yourself it’s fantasy and doesn’t necessarily mean they want it in real life. (And if you are concerned, it’s worth bringing up with them for discussion).
Role play can be a helpful vehicle to allow for fantasy to come to life between you and your partners. Perhaps you have always fantasized about having sex with a firefighter – through the use of clothing and imagination a role play can bring this fantasy to life.
Add sexy additions
There are so many yummy additions you can incorporate into your sexual play. From toys and vibrators; to porn/erotica; sensations such as hot and cold; different textures; lingerie; so forth, the possibilities are endless. Another very important yet often neglected option to elevate pleasure is lube. Lube can enhance sensations and bring things to a whole new level. If you’re not sure what lube you like, head to a nearby sex shop (or online) and buy several single serve lube packets and have fun trying them. Remember, don’t mix silicone lube with silicone toys, it’ll ruin them. Water based lube is fair game with all toys although it may not last as long. You can always ask an employee for help too, they’re happy to assist you.
Tip: before you add any of these, be sure to check-in with your partners about using them. This is where the “yes/no/maybe” exercise from part 3 can be really helpful.
Get out of your bedroom! Remember how hot it was to fool around in the car when you were a teen and had nowhere else to go? You can recreate that feeling and excitement simply by changing your scenery.
Perhaps you have roommates (in the form of adults, teens, or kiddos). No problem! If you can’t get out of your bedroom, at minimum, get out of the bed. Any piece of furniture or surface can be fair game for gettin’ it on!
Last, but not least, re-define sex. Whatever brings you pleasure, do that. Intercourse ain’t your thing? Fabulous, you’ve got millions of ways to have sexy fun! Indulge yourself in exploration and define sex as you see fit.
So, what does being brave in the bedroom look like? It is knowing who you are, your needs, and desires. It is asking for these unapologetically knowing this too is self care. It is sharing yourself with your partner through emotional and physical intimacy. Ultimately, it is choosing to stay curious, playful, and authentic.
Hooray! You made it to the top. Take a look around, breathe it in. Enjoy the view as you reflect back on the journey of getting to this point!
I sincerely hope this 4-part series has been enlightening and has encouraged you to step into your bravery. As I close this series, I am saying farewell to you. As my private practice grows I am becoming more intentional with self care which includes not spreading myself too thin. Although I won’t be a contributor, I will continue to be a part of this rad community! I welcome you to follow my work here.
Thank you for reading and trusting in me!
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Dr. Lily A. Zehner is a therapist who specializes in sex, intimacy, and relationships. Her private practice is located in both Denver and Wheat Ridge, Colorado. She holds a Doctor of Education (EdD) in Human Sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a Masters in Marriage & Family Therapy from Regis University.
She is passionate about living authentically and helping clients do the same. She believes that letting our real selves shine is the key to self-love and finding true intimacy with others. She believes all bodies are good, beautiful, and perfectly imperfect. At times she struggles with this about her own body, but self acceptance can be a challenging road and it’s one she’s willingly chosen.