Kill the Monster Syndrome


I recently had a conversation with a transgender individual where they asked me how they could help their wife to become comfortable with them shaving their body hair.  My response was to tell them that it is their body and they are free to do with it as they pleased.  This straightforward response was not well received.  They indicated that their wife was afraid that by shaving their body hair that the cat would be out of the bag.  Then everybody around them would know for certain that they were transgender.

Of course, I wanted to tell them that wouldn’t be a problem; that people are generally very accepting.  That even if they know you are transgender it most likely wouldn’t be a problem.  But then I realized they were suffering from the what I term ‘kill the monster’ syndrome.  This is sort of a catch all phrase that I have come up with that describes potential ridicule that one may suffer at the hands of our fellow human beings.

Throughout my life I have often wanted to do things that are not typical for my perceived gender, but I have also restricted myself from doing them.  I pictured myself doing whatever: piercing my ears, wearing nail polish, wearing too skinny of a pair of jeans, and my mind came up with horrific images of people circling around me, pointing their fingers, snickering to each other, and generally humiliating me.  It has been an almost paralyzing fear where I draw it out to the point that I envision people pulling out torches and pitchforks and screaming kill the monster.

This habit of mine can prove to be quite annoying to my wife, but it actually is quite beneficial to me.  Not for the discussions with my wife, with those it tends to just further muddle things, but with the conversations I have within my own head.  Taking things out to the absurd level helps me to see the ridiculousness of my own fear.  People aren’t carrying around torches and pitchforks, I mean where would they store them?  I have yet to see a late night infomercial for the RonCo Pocket Pitchfork where you get the RonCo Pocket Torch for free!

get___em_while_they__re_on_sale_by_strongbrush1-d4f2i3eThus I have been able to see that my fears are things that my brain creates, and not a reflection of real life.  I can’t ever remember a time when I have actually seen a mob of people screaming, “kill the monster” at another human being.  Oh sure, back when I was in elementary school I remember kids making fun of other kids, and of course middle school with it’s harsh hormone-laden teenage rudeness and high school with its unending cliques, but real life?  Life after school?  Nope.  Never seen it.  I have never witnessed anybody getting encircled and pointed at and laughed at, let alone torched and pitchforked.

And yet the fear is still there.  Personally I think it is an evolutionary leftover that we are kind of stuck with.  We are fearful of the unknown and terrified of not being part of the group.  These are things that worked together to help us to live on what can be a brutal planet with vicious animals that could jump out, pounce on us, and eat us as a snack.  Thus being afraid of the thing lurking in the bushes and being accepted as part of a group helped us to live.

But now?  Now that we don’t have large vicious cats lurking behind every large tree in the forest, now what are we afraid of?  Each other.  Our largest fears come from other human beings.  It is either that other human beings will ostracize us through humiliation or they will physically harm us.  If the internet blatherings in various comments sections are to be believed, many humans deserve to be feared.  But I don’t really think that the comment sections are reflective of how people live in real life.  Sure they are emboldened by their perceived anonymity on the Internet, and bolstered by like-minded comments, but I have personally never encountered someone in real life who actually threatened me in any way.  Yes I have received a couple of rude comments over the years, but really overall I have been absolutely amazed at the difference between how I thought people would treat me and how people actually do treat me.

actress-fear-and-panicI used to think I was so alone in my fears.  I used to think that I must be the only one on the planet who lives their life in fear of showing who they really are, in showing what they really like to do.  Through grit and determination, I forced myself to face my fears.  To do little things, like show my shaved legs, to share with friends and coworkers my toenails painted in a sparkly red polish, to pierce my right ear at age 30 to match the left one I did at 15.  And through this I gained experience that showed me nobody was going to torch and pitchfork me.

Nowadays, I still feel the fear crawling up my back, making me shiver, but I breathe and relax and remind myself that nothing is stalking me, waiting for the right moment to pounce on me and kill me.  With my hard-earned life experience, and new-found faith in humanity I try to help my fellow transgender individuals to reach out and see the light of day.  I try and tell them that it is okay, they can be themselves, that the world will be a better place when we all come out of the closet.

Alas, I often find that I am unable to budge them in their stance.  They fear the mob.  They fear their fellow human beings; that people will shun them and ridicule them and banish them from their homes, their lives, their families, their safety.  And at times, it has made me cry for I think, what will happen to the transgender community if we don’t stand up and show our true numbers to the world?  Will we eventually be banned from every bathroom in the world?

At one time I thought this was a problem that I alone suffered from, and then I thought, “well, maybe anybody with any kind of difference suffers from it.”  Just recently I began pondering the idea that this is actually part of the human condition.  That we collectively as a species suffer from the kill-the-monster syndrome.

445424822_768fd0c92f_zThe conversation I mentioned earlier about a transgender individual trying to convince their wife to allow them to shave their body hair took an interesting turn as many genetic women began to chime into the conversation saying that the husband shouldn’t shave their legs.  Their reasoning was that they feel as though society requires them to shave their legs and if they have to conform to society’s expectations so should their husbands.  They figured that they both need to conform because if they didn’t they would be ridiculed.

It was about then that the light bulb began to go off in my head and I realized that a large percentage of the human population does things, not because they want to, but because they think they are required to do so.  Somehow the “society police” will find out that people are doing things to their body hair that they shouldn’t, and will come and circle them and begin to torch and pitchfork them.

I feel fortunate that I have something inside of me that pushed me to face my fears.  Through actual real life experience I discovered that my fellow human beings are far kinder than I ever thought they would be.  Will someone ever notice that you shaved your legs?  Sure.  And just tell them that you wanted to shave them, because you like it.  You’ll be okay.  They won’t hunt you down and torture you.  And if you want to not ever shave your legs again, then don’t shave!  And if someone asks, tell them that you don’t like to shave.  Again, you’ll be okay.  No torches, no pitchforks.

Might we encounter some rudeness from ignorant people?  Possibly.  Can we help to educate the populace that human beings have different likes and dislikes and that as long as they are not harming other human beings, that it is okay to be different?  Yes.  But we can only do that if we take the risk to expose our true selves, our actual real likes and dislikes.

We are human and we are beautiful in our diversity.

It’s okay.  Really it is.

Love you.  Love yourself.

photo credits:

 _ _ _ _ _

Hi, I’m Nadine Spirit and I have been a lifelong gender non-conformer. I have always understood that I am a bit different than most but it was not until sometime in my thirties that I came to understand that I am transgender. While I spend most of my time presenting as a male I am always presenting in a gender non-conforming manner.

I started my blog, Unordinary Style, with the idea of being able to show a stylish side to those who identify as transgender. Since that time my blog has evolved into showing my personal style, discussing a wide variety of transgender topics, as well as posts about my personal life. My personal style continues to evolve as I attempt to continually push myself to pick stuff off of the racks, take it into the dressing room, and try on as much as I can. I am a firm believer in ignoring tag sizes, never paying retail prices, and due to a terrific allergy – that nickel should never be in any jewelry!

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8 Responses to “Kill the Monster Syndrome”

  1. Litenarata

    The ONLY reason I shave my legs and armpits is because society expects me too and because I don’t want to deal with people’s reactions if they saw what my legs looked like in their normal human state. I’ve gotten more and more comfortable with going longer and longer without shaving, so in another few decades maybe I’ll be at full hairiness!

    • Nadine Spirit

      Funny, “full hairiness!”

      I truly do wonder what people’s reactions would be if and when you do go to full hairiness. I really thought that people would have some reaction to me in my various states of mixed gender clothing. And really I have gotten very little reaction. So little that it makes me wonder if people are all just too absorbed in their own lives to even look up at people. I’m very curious. Maybe people would react. Hmm…. maybe they wouldn’t??? Hmm… curiouser and curiouser.

    • Lauren

      I’m a cisgender woman and quit shaving my armpits (and my legs, but that quickly got itchy and annoying and I decided that shaving them periodically was actually something that I preferred and not *just* a societal pressure) a couple years ago. I was defiant and prepared with comebacks for people making comments on the train or on the street, but literally nobody has ever said anything about it. It was almost disappointing! I mean, I’ve noticed people noticing every once in a while, but nobody has said anything or tried to take a picture or kicked me or anything.

      (Of course, it’s easier when your partner is on board. Mine understands that my body is my body and was confused why I even made a point of telling him that’s what I was going to do. I wonder if maybe the partner in this story was concerned personally — what it means for her relationship or her conception of it that her partner is transgender — and just projecting that to strangers as to avoid having it be an interpersonal issue.)

  2. Linda B

    Thanks for another insightful post. A few random comments, for what they’re worth:

    1. When I was a hippie chick and budding feminist in the 1970’s and 80’s, I refused for years to shave my legs. Somehow though I remain a feminist, as I dropped the flower child thing I started shaving. Just felt right but I admit I rarely take time for it in winter, when no one sees my legs.

    2. My husband and most of his cycling buddies shave their legs. Part of their putting on their sports personas.

    Overall I think we are all entitled to do exactly as we please. Yay for anyone doing what pleases them, at any given moment, including anyone who is transgender!!!!

    • Nadine Spirit

      Thanks Linda!

      Yeah, I have been shaving since about age 12. First I was a swimmer and then a cyclist. So the idea of shaving or not shaving has been around me for more than 30 years! Thus while hearing of some other’s concerns about body hair and societal pressures to shave or not shave I’m a bit dumbfounded. It’s just hair!!

      And yes, I agree, Yay for anyone doing what pleases them!!

  3. crtfly


    I always appreciate what you have to say. This image is how I picture myself. I am plus size, OK, fat, and some folks call me a drama queen. Is this photo an accurate depiction? I don’t know but this is how I’m afraid that people see me.


    • Nadine Spirit

      Hi Chris. Thanks for reading my writings. Unfortunately if you tried to post a picture, it did not show up. Or maybe you were referencing one that I put up? Sorry I’m a bit confused.

      Anywho…. I think that the point remains the same. If we have some sort of difference from what we perceive as the societal norm, then many of us are terrified of how the public views us. This perceived fear causes us to change who we are and affects our interactions with everyone. We need to learn that it is okay to be ourselves and that there are people out there who will love us for who we are, regardless of what we perceive to be different about ourselves.

      Best of luck to you!!

  4. Devon

    My husband has been shaving his arms and legs for years. Nobody at his workplace has ever noticed his arms. (He wears long pants most of the time.) Even his Mother has never noticed that I’m aware of. If she has, he probably answered in some obscure, glib manner that just confused her so that she stopped asking. ;D

    People don’t seem tolook for Trans* when they see shaved limbs. They just see limbs with less hair and sometimes have passing curiosity.

    I would recommend that this particular husband try shaving without coming out publicly for a while. There’s no shame in staying in the closet for the while until the “kill the beast” fears settle down a bit. My husband is only out as Trans* to one person – me. And that seems to work fine for both of us.